Welcome back to your own life!

It has been a while since I posted anything on my blog. It has been a dry spell. I have no muse and my inner one has SAD; you know, Seasonal Affect Disorder. The dreary skies, the ice, the snow (which is beautiful until you have to drive in it), the blustery winds, and frigidly cold temperatures have driven her deep under the bed covers.

The fire-place is going on the other side of the house, and I find myself cuddled up on the coach with a blanket watching favorite movies more often than clicking my fingers on this keypad. But a friend “googled” me yesterday and then wrote an email that threw me for a loop. What did he mean by “cheater?”

He found a post on Twitter that I had made some time ago. I had gone to Twitter originally just to find out what all the hoopla was about. Ashton Krutcher had just reached the 1 million followers mark and was bragging about it. I started following Ashton but quickly got bored with his all day, all night posts. Do I really need a moment by moment update of what Ashton (cute as he may be) is thinking? I simply don’t care to Twitter any more.

But after a conversation over with yet another married man who asked me to lunch, I found myself impelled to make a post and see if people would comment and follow the post…”if given the opportunity would all men cheat?” I didn’t believe it but had met two men who were adamant about it. No one ever commented, so I ended my Twittering career. Then…

I found FACEBOOK. It is a much more suited community for me. I have made some significant “notes” on my page. More people see my posts and comment than here at my blog space. But I digress…

Would you like to know what really prompted this post today? I found a post from March 1, 2009 on MySpace. I wrote it right after a tearful “breakup” with a married man. Rather than repeat the whole story, let me see if I can do a “cut and paste”. You can read the post for yourself:

March 1, 2009 – Sunday

I wish I could be happy for him today…
Current mood: sad
Category: Romance and Relationships
There are those like Dr Phil who call us “pathetic”. There are those who call us worse things than that. But I know there are other women like me who never planned to but did fall in love with a married man. We were just friends having lunch, laughing, using the other as a sounding board when you just needed someone to listen. I guess that is why you don’t allow yourself to listen to the difficulties and the things he was unhappy with in his marriage. You aren’t watching closely, guarding your heart when he expresses the pain of wishing he could just walk away but knowing at this age, it is financially devastating to end a marriage and expect to recover before you hit retirement age. He kept hoping that she would just get tired and say she wanted out. Now he has decided he would be better off mending the bridge than tearing it down. Isn’t that what God wants? Marriages to be restored? Maybe it won’t take as long as it took to get over my parent’s deaths. Maybe it won’t be another three or four years before another really wonderful man crosses my path. There are those who say he will come along when I could care less that he ever comes along. My heart says there is no such day.

God allowed this misbehavior without dire consequences but not without consequences all together. To find yourself in love with someone you cannot see every day or talk to every day or really share the good and bad of life every day. that is quite painful in itself. On top of that, each encounter brings the day of reckoning nearer.

God disciplines those he loves like a parent disciplines a misbehaving child. The goal is correction of the misbehavior. Now each time we meet for lunch, I find myself wondering, “will this be the embarrassing moment that someone I know or someone he knows sees us, and then spreads the word? Will it lead back to my boss? Will I lose my job over this? I am 55. It was hard enough to get this job…” And on and on go my thoughts.

I am reminded of a comment one of my oldest (not in age just how long we have known each other) and dearest friends made when I visited a few weeks ago. I don’t remember the exact words but the basic message was, “do you want to learn the lesson the hard way or the easy way”; do I want to go through the fire to learn a lesson or draw upon what I know to be right?”

So why can’t I simply enjoy being alone until the right man comes into my life. Let’s go back to the fact that I am 55 years old. It is just not that easy. I have been online since 2001. I have met gentlemen that are still friends, but I find myself growing more cynical with each new “scam” artist I meet.

But what about just enjoying being single and finding my fulfillment in that? Great idea but very hard to live out! It was God Himself that said of Adam, “it is not good that man be alone…let us make a suitable companion.” God Himself endeavored to fulfill a need that He Himself had created in Adam’s life.

He gave him the enormous task of naming all the animals. In that task Adam begins to notice that all the animals have “mates”. He notices he has none. It creates that envious feeling of not sharing the advantage that all of creation seems to have, a suitable companion. God who knows our hearts, started with the knowing of Adam’s.

God creates Eve and brings her to Adam who declares, “Ish ah…this is flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone…she shall be called wo-man.” So when I feel those heart crushing pangs of loneliness or the missing of my companion, I can’t seem to brush it away by saying, “I am fulfilled in myself…I am complete just as I am.”

To combat it, I tend to get angry, and when I get angry, I close myself off the love, which is ultimately what we all want. We all want to know there is one person on the planet who “sees” us and chooses to be with us above all others. There is someone who knows we are here and acknowledges that we matter.

If it seems like I am rambling, maybe I am but that is me today…

Rambling Rose…

A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet…

As to writing, I think my inner child is in rebellion. I was such a dutiful, parent-pleasing child. It is all catching up with me now. I want to live my own life, but I have to allow a certain level of defiance ore disobedience to finally settle into making my own wise adult decisions.

I stay indoors during thunderstorms. Lightning strikes send 90 people in the US to their Maker every year!

Fear is the mind-killer

I opened my blog page just a few short weeks ago (I have slept since then so I may have my time frame off). It seems I don’t remember sequences of events or time frames without documentation anymore. Again this morning I was accused of not moving on something or not doing something pertinent to “his” requirements, and I am rambling because my thoughts are cluttering in my brain.

I feel a headache coming on as the tears roll down my face. I don’t have credentials to write. I don’t seem to have any credentials to live based on the expectations of the people around me. I have a book somewhere on toxic people. I have too many toxic people in my life. I need my “safe” people…my safe person. I know I have at least one. I probably have a lot of them but I have so much poison in my own system, I project it on people who are not invested in my ruin.

I pulled a book from my shelf and because I have the next two days off, I think I may read it. I bought several of Dr. John Townsend’s books when he was here in town years ago for a symposium.

by Dr. John Townsend

The book is titled Hiding From Love. The subtitle says “How to Change the Withdrawal Patterns That Isolate and Imprison You”.

I have never been convicted of a crime yet I feel imprisoned like a criminal. Maybe that is why I relate so deeply to Joseph and his stint in Pharaoh’s prison for crimes he did not commit. His first crime…being his father’s favorite son, the first born of his favored wife. That is something over which he has complete control. His second crime…high tailing it out of the boudoir of his boss’s wife when she made inappropriate advances. He goes to prison for that one because the wife’s tearful display and his clothes in her hand were much more convincing to her powerful and probably embarrassed husband than any explanation Joseph could give. His third crime…just plain being forgettable. He befriends two fellow prisoners who get their break to the outside. Joseph simply asks to be remembered when they get out. But he is quickly forgotten and spends a few more years in jail.

Most people Christian and not probably know the story of Joseph. God in is ultimate wisdom and in His impeccable, perfect timing, has the circumstances move in Joseph’s favor so that he is released from prison and the dream that started the whole series of events actually comes to pass. So what does this story have to do with a title of this post “Fear is the mind-killer”?

Fear is the worst kind of prison. Fear locks us into our own little world, keeps us from taking risks, and from fulfilling out full potential. One of my favorite movies is Shawshank Redemption, a story about relationships of a group of men sentenced to prison.

starring Tim Robbins & Morgan Freeman

One of the gripping realities of this movie is that when given the opportunity to live free, many can’t handle that freedom and choose the comfort of prison by committing crimes that result in their being returned to prison or ending their lives all together.

One man never accepts the bondage and brutality of prison life. Even though he is victimized by it, his heart is inspired by the hope of freedom and the belief that he cannot be imprisoned in heart. His body was in prison and subjected to incredible cruelty but his heart, his spirit yearned for the outside. Like Maya Angelou’s book, he knew why the caged bird sings. His break from a life of fear and intimidation, cruelty and victimization inspired his fellow prisoner not to return to that strangely comfortable prison life to take the risk to pursue freedom.

Just writing this piece, raw and disjointed, lacking in credentials, is my act of defiance of the prison warden in my own head. It is my way of working slowing to scratch out my escape route. I have something to say. I have significance because my Creator bestowed it upon me even before I existed.

based on Frank Herbert's books

“Fear is the mind killer” is a line from the movie Dune. It is a movie about one man coming into an understanding of his life being a sacrifice for others. Fear had to be defeated or it would defeat his very purpose. My fear must be beaten back with a very big stick.

Beach Balls, Silly String, and Kisses

It seems that Twitter is all a flutter and the blogs are buzzing with the account of a graduation ceremony being “ruined” by a kiss. A pending graduate of a Portland, OR highschool blew a kiss from the stage to his family and was told to go back to his seat sans his diploma.

OK, I have been to graduation ceremonies where the beach balls start flying. I fully understand that there are those who don’t feel the ceremony should be so solemn. This is a case where the opinions of some must be waived for the benefit of the whole. I was offended by the flying beach balls at my daughter’s graduation ceremony because they caused a commotion that was 1) distracting and 2) noisy. Each time a ball was tossed into the air, the atmosphere was reduced to something like a beach volley ball game, complete with laughing, clapping, and all sorts of hoopin’ and hollerin’.

I felt I had worked almost equally as hard as my daughter for 12 years toward that graduation day. I had scrambled for “project” supplies (don’t get me started on school projects!). I too was looking forward to hearing her named called and seeing her walk across that stage. I certainly did not want to miss anything because someone else felt they had the liberty to toss a beach ball just at that moment.

But blowing a kiss? What in “tarnation” is wrong with that? I personally think it sweet that a son would blow a kiss to his mother when he walked across to get his well-deserved piece of paper representing his 12 years of hard labor, late nights, and hours upon hours of reading and writing.

I am a firm believer and active support of rules and boundaries. With freedom comes responsibility. Without that responsibility, there is chaos. I understand the school administration wanting to enforce their rules and maintain an air of decorum. Power to them! A lot of rules go unenforced and that is why other rules are broken. Schools are full of “children” and children apply principles across the board. If one rule is allowed to be broken without consequence, then all rules are suspect in the heart of children.

In this case, in my ever so humble opinion, the administration over reacted. If they had stressed to the student body and the parent association that certain expectations were true for graduation–i.e. no beach balls, no silly string, no blowing kisses to your family, I would understand the response. Somehow I doubt they even thought of that one, the blowing of a kiss. In this case, my advise– Lighten up on this one!

Blurring the lines

I should give credit to where the photo comes from…don’t yet know all the ends and outs of this. But I read the blog post from FoxNews this morning.

Blurring the Lines

Calvin Klein may be for advertising what Hugh Hefner was for periodical publishing–bent on blurring the lines of social morality. When you shove your liberal agenda down the public’s throat, and you condemn those who say anything, isn’t it like social rape? If an assailant attacks you, holding you down, shoves a piece of cloth in your mouth, holds a blade to your throat, and then threatens to use the blade if you protest, how many choices do you have? You risk your very life to free yourself. My goodness people! How far will we let the assailant on our social morality go?

I am certainly not rushing out to buy Calvin Klein jeans because of this billboard. But I am glad I don’t have young children who glance up and then ask questions about the picture. I don’t have any problem answering the questions, but I should not have to. This is as inappropriate as his earlier ad using young ladies that looked to be no more than 12 years old.

Shame on you Calvin for approving the ad!

First Morning

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

This is the day the LORD has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Today I share my morning thoughts with a blog instead of my journal. Am I ready for this?

For years my quiet time was my time. Since my becoming a single woman and sharing my bed with my two Jack Russell Terriers who never seemed to care that the light was on at 4AM, I would record my thoughts in Journals, some paper back, some lovely colored hard backs. a few pleather and maybe even one true leather bound (not really worth the high price).

I would go looking for a new one just as I realized I was getting down to the last few pages. The “hunt” for the perfect theme cover was half or maybe three quarters of the fun. I might occasionally stumble upon one in a place I wasn’t expecting. Then one day I was in the office supply section of the Wal-Mart (someday I am sure I will post something of my thoughts on “that” place) and found a great one. Pleather bound, grosgrain ribbon to help locate my current page, 7 x 9.25 inch, the perfect size to fit on a pillow on my lap to write.

I don’t think this blog will ever replace my journal. At least I hope that doesn’t happen. I will miss if it

This feels uncomfortable writing this way. I want to go climb back into my bed and write with my favorite pen on the pages of paper. I know there are writers who write their books on legal pads. Maybe not as many as those who have turned to their lap tops and desk top computers, but I know you guys are out there. There is just something about the pen in your hand pushing against the paper.

I am a fast typist, or at least I have become one. I am better on the keyboard at work than this one, so I guess I will eventually have to get a new keyboard for this desk top so that I can type as freely as I write. Or I will simply have to grow into this.

The biggest problem I foresee is that my oldest Jack Russell hates my relationship with this computer. She likes to lie next to me in the bed for as long as possible. She doesn’t like my leaving for work on Monday mornings. I swear she knows when Friday comes. She starts pacing the floor when I am at my desk. She will eventually start knocking over trashcans to get at tissues or any other pieces of paper to get my attention.

Cocoa is here by my side, standing at attention, unable to relax on the rug at my feet put there for her benefit because she wants me back in bed for her quiet time with mom. Ody is probably lying on my bed, content to wait. When I learn how to do it, I will post their pictures.

I will have to take this a bit at a time to keep the household content. But I really think it is less for the dogs and more for me. I AM only taking the bicycle to the end of the driveway today.

Hello world!

From birth to death our lives are a work in progress.  I AM under construction.  The world has certainly changed since I reluctantly accepted my first computer back in 1995.  I soon found out how exciting it was to “chat” with people from around the world, and what it felt like to be cussed at by an Italian.  Now we can enter a world of blogging.

Like riding a bike, I AM sure I will fall a few times before I get the hang of this.  I hope that I find the world to be full of patient people…the first characteristic of love is patience (I Cor 13:4).